


Good Enough

by blythechild



Series: 2018 Advent Adventures with Blythe and Deejay [5]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, Emotional Sex, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Kinks, M/M, Making Out, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s), Possibly Unrequited Love, Sex, Sexual Roleplay, We Just Love Each Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 14:37:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17003526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: Aaron has plenty of kinks, but he can't figure out Spencer's.This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This story contains mature themes and should not be read by those under the age of 14.





	Good Enough

“But I don’t understand. We _are_ FBI agents…”

“Spencer…” Aaron rolls his eyes and sighs. Spencer’s being purposefully obtuse again. “We agreed to try new things.”

“But this isn’t new. And the scenario is preposterous. Neither one of us would ever make a random traffic stop. It’s always a high-speed chase or a manhunt of some kind. And none of it would result in _sex._ ”

Aaron slouches, arousal evaporated. He flicks his eyes around Spencer’s apartment and begins automatically cataloguing it to avoid thinking about the inevitable: Georgian-style recessed bookshelves, mix of scientific and psychological non-fiction, mostly current publications, a few well-loved hardcovers of mystery and poetry, dark paint – old and in need of updating, threadbare oriental rug, sagging-yet-comfortable couch of unknown vintage. Spencer needs a trip to Ikea… Aaron sighs again. Maybe he should just go home and forget today happened. Reset and toss away the role-playing idea. There are other things he could try – he hasn’t run out of options yet.

“Okay, listen, I know I agreed to this,” Spencer’s voice sounds worried. 

Aaron looks at him once more – he’s wrinkled and disheveled from their making out – and a spurt of interest comes back to Aaron as it always does. But Spencer’s tying his long fingers into knots and his cheeks are pink from embarrassment; desperation isn’t a turn on, no matter whose it is. 

“I guess I just don’t see the point of role-playing if we’re just pretending to be slightly altered versions of who we already are. I mean, I’ll do whatever you want, Aaron…” 

Aaron winces a little at that. He wants to know what _Spencer_ wants. He wants to fulfill _his_ fantasy. He needs to.

“I’m just trying to understand this,” Spencer finishes lamely, looking vaguely nauseated.

“It’s not important,” Aaron attempts to deflect knowing that Spencer won’t let it go. This was a dumb idea. “I was just trying something.” Now he feels a blush of his own rising in his cheeks.

There’s a moment of silence in the apartment; he can hear the tenant above moving around, the rise and fall of dialog from his tv, the skitter of claws on hardwood… he must have a cat… God, he should just go home. Is there any way he could get out of this apartment without Spencer taking it personally?

“What’s… what’s wrong with how we’ve been doing it?” Spencer chokes out and it whips Aaron’s eyes back to him. Spencer can barely hold his gaze before flicking away to something safer.

“Nothing,” Aaron breathes urgently, shuffling closer on the infamous couch. “Nothing. Spencer… I…”

“If it’s not good… I’d probably need specific direction in order to improve. That’s how I learn. Being vague isn’t helpful.”

“Jesus, Spencer. _No_ , that’s not what I’m saying.” He’s amazed at how quickly and dramatically this has gone wrong. It was supposed to be playful sex, not a State of Union about their relationship.

“I can take criticism, you know. I’m not that fragile. Just so long as it’s constructive…”

“I’m not critiquing your sexual performance-” Aaron feels his throat closing up.

“I mean, there was the restraints scenario – it took us a few tries to get that one right. But it works now. Who would’ve guessed that out of the two of us, it was _you_ who wanted to be helpless…”

Aaron’s blush feels scorching. That’s the point right there: they’ve explored Aaron’s kinks pretty thoroughly, and Spencer is accepting of almost all of it. To the point where it doesn’t seem believable – it’s starting to feel like he’s just going along to get along. That scares the hell out of Aaron.

“We’ve tried all kinds of things, but I still can’t figure out what turns you on,” Aaron blurts angrily without thinking. Spencer’s expression becomes owlish, and Aaron sags even further into his embarrassment. “I don’t… I don’t want you to get bored with me. So, I keep trying new things. Keep trying until I figure it out…”

What had he just thought about desperation being a turn off? Well, now Spencer sees just how desperate he is.

“You’re doing this… all of this… to figure out what _I want?_ ” Spencer whispers, eyebrows trying to rocket off his forehead. Aaron nods miserably, his skin shivering from where his shirt gaps open. He rubs it absently and wishes he could restart this scene somehow, without the crushing reality of his need for this man.

“The… the blindfold?” Spencer asks. Aaron nods.

“The wax?”

“Yes.”

“The feathers?”

“I think we both agreed that was a failure.”

Spencer nods seriously. “I hate being tickled.” Then he focuses on Aaron again. “The chocolate sauce?”

Aaron shrugs. “I liked that one. You know I have a sweet tooth.”

“The leather?”

This could go on all night. “Yeah, all of them. Some I liked more than others, but you appeared to enjoy them all _equally_ , with no discernable preference. And that’s impossible, Spence. Which means…” he swallows hard, unwilling for a moment to say the words he’s been thinking for months. “Which means you’re just… playing a part for me. Maybe you don’t really enjoy any of it. Maybe you don’t enjoy me, and it’s just a matter of time until you have no choice but to tell me that.”

“Aaron!” Spencer shuffles across the sofa until he’s next to him, glued from hip to shoulder, face lined with grief. But Aaron won’t let himself be held, fighting off his wandering hands.

“Listen, you have my heart – you know that,” Aaron chokes out, remembering saying the same words to Haley. But it didn’t matter; she ended up needing something he couldn’t give her. “But if I can’t satisfy you… well, most people can’t do without sex. Love, alone, isn’t enough. I know that from experience. You need to be honest with me, Spencer. Don’t leave me hanging onto something that isn’t real.”

Spencer blinks so rapidly that Aaron wonders if he’s having a seizure. Then he feels Spencer’s long fingers bite painfully into his bicep and his stare turns into something daunting.

“You want to know why I respond the same way to everything?”

Aaron swallows again and just nods.

“Because none of those situations turn me on.”

It hurts so much more than he thought it would. Like a spike has been nailed through the center of him, pinning him down and making him bleed, but he can see the train lights in the distance bearing down on him. It’s going to get worse…

“What turns me on,” Spencer continues. “Is giving you pleasure.”

It’s Aaron’s turn to blink in confusion.

“The individual scenario is irrelevant to me – only your reaction to it can get me off. _That’s_ why my intensity is the same every time.” Spencer leans in but keeps his hands to himself. “I’m not pretending, or bored with you, Aaron. I’m monumentally messed up over how you lose yourself with me. Every time.”

Spencer’s eyes slip closed and he breathes out like he’s never done it before, all jagged and rushed.

“Every time you beg for something, or get so aroused you forget to be embarrassed, or you feel free enough to try something you’ve never done before…”

Spencer shivers so hard Aaron can feel it vibrating through him, and it blows his shock into a higher stratosphere. He never would have guessed that Spencer’s kink was _joy…_

“Every new idea, each new toy, every time you light up when I agree to it… it’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced. The accessories and plans are beside the point.”

Aaron just stares, his brain a wide expanse of nothing. Spencer clasps a hand under his jaw and pulls him close until their noses brush. His grip is hard, his fingers biting into the skin.

“I’m not… f-fucking your body,” he trips over the curse that he almost never uses. His face is lined with a genuine need that floors Aaron. “When I’m in you… when you’re in me, it’s everything I want. Everything together. God, that gets me off so hard, Aaron. You have no idea…”

“No, clearly I don’t,” Aaron breathes back, still confused. But his hand clamps around Spencer’s wrist and won’t let him pull away.

“If you told me that you didn’t want sex anymore – that you didn’t need it – I’d learn to handle that. Because sex is just a part of how I feel – it’s not even most of it. I love being with you that way but… if you’re doing all of this for my benefit alone, you don’t need to.” Spencer brushes the words against Aaron’s lips but doesn’t press for a kiss. Aaron finds himself curling closer to make that happen, but Spencer keeps a gap between them so he’s just out of reach. And just like that, Aaron’s hard as hell again.

“I don’t?” Aaron whimpers a little, still trying to wiggle in for a kiss. Spencer shakes his head against him, and Aaron sighs. “I’d never give up _this_ , Spence. I crave you too damned much…” His lips finally reach Spencer’s and close over them. “All the time…” He slips in for another and pulls harder, making Spencer moan gently. “I just thought… I thought I wasn’t good enough. Like the way I wasn’t enough for Haley…”

Spencer’s fingers bite into his jaw again as he pulls back to look at Aaron. His lips are flushed, cheeks still pink with embarrassment, but his eyes are glittering with something else – anger, maybe.

“I don’t know what she was looking for,” he growls lowly. “But you’re so much more than ‘good enough’, Aaron. You don’t need to keep proving it.”

“Really?” Aaron shakes in equal parts relief, delight, and anticipation. He thinks tonight might be completely different, new for both of them though they’ve been doing this longer than either of them thought it would last. And they won’t need any kink or scenario to make it memorable.

Spencer leans in, kissing Aaron, all soft and halting, full of quiet meaning for the months they’ve been trying, in vain, to get to this exact moment. Aaron’s hands are in Spencer’s hair, Spencer lines him from hips to chest, shirt draped open, and pressed so hard against Aaron’s thigh that he can’t imagine he could get any more excited. He gasps away from Aaron’s mouth unsteadily, but keeps brushing his lips over him, like he’s whispering magic to make him stay.

“I know when I’m beaten, Aaron,” he breathes, eyes closing like he’s slipping into a dream. “You’ve been chasing me down, but I can’t outrun you. I don’t want to. If all this time, you’ve been trying to find ways to keep me…” He shakes his head and bumps their noses. “I’m not Haley. This is more than I thought to ask for.”

“Spence…” Aaron gently nips his lips, hands pulling him closer as his chest gets tight. All this time…

“I’m in love,” Spencer mouths over Aaron without sound, like he’s afraid to make the words any more solid. “It’s… _so much._ ”

Aaron takes a moment to just hold him, his eyes closing as well, breathing through the sensation of not seeing that he’s had what he wanted all along. And he’s so radically turned on by it, that he’s afraid he’ll burst.

“It’s beyond ‘good enough’,” Spencer whispers eventually, and Aaron looks up at his blurry features and his tangled hair.

“Take me to bed, Spencer,” Aaron whispers back hoarsely. “I don’t care what we do there, or how we do it. Just take me with you. Now we’ve finally caught one another…”

Spencer smiles as he dips in for a kiss that leaves them both sputtering and curled around each other afterwards. He nips Aaron’s lip quickly with a smirk he can feel, then kisses away the sting of it as his hands roam and tangle in Aaron’s shirt.

“No traffic stop fantasies,” he whispers. Aaron smiles back and skims his hands down to Spencer’s pants, waiting as he stills and then begins rubbing against him gently with a quiet moan.

“Deal.”

“Restraints are fine though,” Spencer chokes, and Aaron lets out a surprised chuckle. Then Spencer’s hand threads through Aaron’s hair and pins him to the back of the couch with a firm grip. His gaze is different again, still lined with need, but now molten as well. “I like you at my mercy.”

Aaron makes a low growl of approval and Spencer lights up at the sound. Aaron is at his mercy all the time, but it’s nice to know that’s another thing they have in common. Spencer releases him from his grip, and then jumps up from the sofa, backing away and holding his hand out for Aaron. 

“Come on,” Spencer whispers, again like it’s a spell he’s casting. “Come with me.”

Aaron slides his hand across Spencer’s and lets himself be pulled up, pulled in, pulled close. Spencer’s laughter is a little out of his control as Aaron follows him a half-step behind like a supplicant, mouthing kisses along the back of his neck. His lips form the words ‘adore’, ‘love’, and ‘mine’ but they are probably lost in the shivering Spencer does as he stretches for more. When they reach the bedroom and Spencer turns with joy infusing every inch of him, Aaron forgets all about ever being ‘less than’ to anyone. He finally sees that when you find someone who’s looking for the same thing as you, you’re always good enough.


End file.
